


Subjunctive History

by morganmuffle



Category: History Boys (2006)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 15:36:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morganmuffle/pseuds/morganmuffle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dakin was a long way from school and even university but sometimes, on quiet afternoons in the office or long nights without sleep when the baby was crying, he found pieces of lessons drifting back to him. Poetry and plays and Irwin's “gobbets” but most of all Hector's lessons on history in the subjunctive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Subjunctive History

**Author's Note:**

  * For [godofwine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/godofwine/gifts).



_It's subjunctive history. You know, the subjunctive? The mood used when something may or may not have happened. When it is imagined._

* * *

**If Dakin were more confident...** he might have pushed the issue there and then instead of talking about colleges and gerunds and Irwin's teaching style. He could have backed Irwin into a corner and taken his glasses off instead of asking whether Irwin ever did. Dakin's confidence back then had been a fragile thing, a façade Posner might have called it, based on bravado and an strong sense of his own power but he hadn't _known_ with Irwin as he had with Fiona.

If Dakin were more confident as a teenager though perhaps he wouldn't have wanted Irwin at all. Wouldn't have been distracted by the reckless, impulsive and immoral way Irwin argued and might have noticed that underneath there was little substance.

If Dakin were more confident back then he and Irwin might have reached the car park too late, missed Hector's grand farewell and enjoyed a taster of the promised Sunday afternoon.

But he wasn't.

**If Irwin were more resolute...** he might have made their conversation shorter, agreed to Dakin's proposition straight away without the quibbling and bringing Hector into it. Perhaps they'd have made their plans and Dakin would have been off for one last ride with Hector before Armstrong could come and intervene.

If Irwin were more resolute it might have been Dakin in the wheelchair with no memory of their conversation, no future at Cambridge and no chance of becoming a lawyer.

If Irwin were more resolute perhaps he would have told Dakin no from the start. He could have avoided being cornered by Dakin at all, avoided the temptation Dakin so clearly offered. If Irwin thought Hector was a joke and were determined enough to avoid the same fate he might have been well away from the school and from Dakin and the question might never have arisen.

But if Irwin were more resolute perhaps he would have said yes and stuck to it, perhaps being more sure would have made him remember? Perhaps he would have found a note in his diary written by Dakin and wondered and asked and a whole new future might have opened up.

But it didn't.

**If Hector were stronger...** he'd have left on his bike alone that day. He might have said goodbye, given a cheery wave and left leaving them all behind to remember him with a slightly amused fondness. Then might have seen him later at reunions or invited him to Formal in the final year at university to thank him for what he taught them- for Dakin found he thought of Hector's lessons far more often than Irwin's even though Irwin's had won him the place and got him through several subsequent interviews.

If Hector were stronger Irwin and Dakin might have gone their separate ways that night and then on Sunday they might have kept their plans and then who knows. A pint, a couple of shots of something strong enough to drown out the niggling worries in Irwin's eyes and Dakin might have gone home with him and found out if Irwin sucking him off actually was worth the difficulty he'd gone to in persuading him. It might have been one Sunday afternoon that would make a great story on drunken nights in the future or it might have been something else.

If Hector were stronger then Dakin and Irwin might have actually had the sort of fling that might have broken Dakin's complacency or shaking Irwin up enough to try behaving recklessly again instead of just talking about it.

If Hector were strong though then perhaps none of this would ever have happened, perhaps without Hector's fumblings on the bike Dakin would never have wanted to ask Irwin to suck him off. Their conversation came back to Hector with alarming frequency and perhaps the undergraduate psychology students were right and Dakin was scarred for life.

But he wasn't.

**If Irwin's memories were clearer...** he might have remembered the conversation, not straight away perhaps but before Dakin left for Cambridge. It might not have meant the Sunday afternoon was back on but it might have created the possibility of other Sunday afternoons. 

If Irwin's memories were clearer then Dakin might not have had that awful awkward conversation in the hospital when Irwin seemed so confused to see him on his own without the others. Irwin might have understood that Dakin didn't come because Irwin was his teacher but because Irwin might have been his lover. He might never have had to look Irwin in the eye and tell him that he had no idea why Irwin remembered he Dakin had wanted to talk to him; might never have had to lie and say he couldn't remembered that conversation either.

If Irwin's memories were clearer then Dakin might have been able to talk to him after the funeral, or later even when he came back at Christmas, and he might have found an ending. Dakin could have closed the book on gerunds and history and sucking off and not spent years thinking about might-have-beens. 

If Irwin's memories were clearer maybe Dakin wouldn't be married with a baby on the way and maybe he wouldn't have been a tax lawyer at all. Maybe he would have gone down a different path entirely but maybe that memory, that never-to-be afternoon wouldn't have changed anything. 

If Irwin's memories were clearer then perhaps Dakin's thoughts would be too.

But they weren't.

**If Dakin were to have asked again...** then maybe he'd have got a different answer. After the crash maybe Irwin would have been even less reckless, less willing to be convinced, less likely to remove his glasses. 

If Dakin were to have asked again perhaps Irwin would have been shocked with Hector lying dead or perhaps he would have been too embarrassed by his own injuries. Perhaps Dakin would have asked because he felt he should and not wanted it anymore with this broken version of Irwin.

If Dakin were to have asked again, not then, not with the hospital and the funeral and the quiet farewells but later on when Irwin was recovering and Dakin was back for the holidays then perhaps Irwin would have said yes. If Dakin had been an undergraduate and Irwin no longer a teacher then perhaps they could have had the conversation straight out without euphemisms or grammar or excuses.

If Dakin were to have asked again when he saw Irwin filming a documentary about Hemingway and Fitzgerald in the library across the street from his offices then perhaps he might be in Irwin's flat now enjoying a cigarette and that little pleased smile that Irwin got when he knew he'd been clever. If Dakin had even stepped across the road and said hello then Irwin might have seen him as an adult and recognised that Dakin had changed and might have been the one who did the asking.

But he didn't.

And he wasn't. 

And in the end Rudge was right- history really was one fucking thing after another and whichever way you looked at it you couldn't alter anything by wishing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to B for the cheerleading & to T for polishing my grammar any mistakes are entirely my own and what you get for trying to write a story in the past subjunctive.


End file.
